my heart

hey everyone!
today i come to the blog with a different kind of post.
you all know, if you have spent any time here, that i am completely real and honest--sometimes to a fault.
i really can't hide my feelings and so i want to be real with you, my closest friends, family, and even some of you i may never meet.
i need your help.

you see...here's the deal. i am in a state of a funk right now. i don't really know how else to describe it.
i have thought it may be some sort of depression and it seems to be increasing, not decreasing.
i am in a very weird place, hormonally. i am in menopause, medically induced, and do take an "add back therapy", but i don't feel quite right.

i have never experienced any sort of depression so i don't know if that is what is going on.
here's where i need your help.
i could use all the prayers and words of advice you can spare.
i hate this feeling and hate the fact that no matter how much i pray, try to choose joy, try to use kind words, try to be intentional and positive, the yucky comes out.
i want to sleep all the time and have zero energy--even though scott and i have started working out almost daily.
i don't sleep well at night, but then that has never been something that comes easy for me.
there are very few smiles and laughs coming from me lately and i hate it!

yet, as much as i hate it, it is still here.
ugh!
that makes me mad too!
i want to fix things! maybe that is the "man" in me or my lack of affection for being out of control.
at the end of the day i know that God will deliver me out of this season just as He has been faithful through it all.
i just hate this. i hate this for my family. mainly scott. i feel like he gets the short end of the deal and he is the one person who should never get it!

like i said, this is me being completely real.
thank you for joining me in praying that God delivers me through this and that i am patient and obedient through this process/season He has allowed me to be in right now.
i love you guys and am so thankful for each of you--those close and so far away!
know that i am praying for you too! i pray that you feel the love of our Savior just as i do...even in this valley.

here's to hoping that all of you have a very Happy New Year and that 2012 is the best yet!! (that is what i am praying! not sure if your 2011 was rough, but ours was! we are believing great things for this next year!)

It's been one of those days...

Okay. This is me being real and completely transparent.
I'm having "one of those days" today.
Have you ever had one?

From the time you wake up, after not being able to sleep and your whole body hurting for no apparent reason, to the time you sit down at night and wonder, "What the heck just happened?"

I think the hardest part about having a horrible day is that I get mad at myself for letting it get to me. Because, let's be real. My bad day, your bad day, at our worst doesn't even compare to someone who really has a bad day. I keep trying to recount my blessings: amazing husband, beautiful stepdaughters, an amazing family, wonderful friends, clothes (lots thanks to my very generous sister), shoes, heat/AC, car, food to eat....I could keep going on and on!

Yet, the yuckiness remains. Let me just state that my faith or view/opinion of my Savior never changes. Neither does my trust and dependence on Him. Actually days like these strengthen this. Yet, I may actually want to blow up a certain Long Term Disability company. (ok. so not really) Yep. My claim, that I had to spoon feed them all the info and all the data in order to even make a case, was denied. There. I said it. I am mad. I am frustrated. I am sick that a person who cannot work, due to an illness that he/she has no control over, can be denied benefits b/c 1 doctor feels that my condition should not have any restrictions on my health. It's messed up, folks. Bad messed up.

Okay, so this is basically how I looked and felt. But don't worry, I shared frustration & concern but did not attack or try to harm the person on the other end.

But you know what. It's done. There is no more waiting and wondering. There will be no review or appeal, as that just takes more time where a 2 income family living off 1 income can't afford. Maybe you are like us. Maybe you've been dealt a rotten hand that is not fair.

I just remind myself that "fair" is what sells funnel cakes and where you ride rides."I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 


I am so very thankful that God has been so super faithful to Scott & I through this process. I know that He has great things in store for our family. We are clinging, and have been for some time, to Job 42:12. I am also so thankful that I have started to really feel close to normal. Yay!!! HUGE PRAISE! So here's to hoping that getting back to work will be soon and will be just what the dr ordered. :)


Oh, one very important wonderful positive news!!! The Sunsetters, Mycah's volleyball team, won their tournament game last night. It was a nail biter. Lost the first game. Won the second game. Won the final game by just a few points. Next tournament game is Thursday night! Let's go Sunsetters!!!