That's just who I am!

So. Last Friday was mine and Scott's 9 month anniversary. (Yes, we do keep up with it monthly :) ) We were driving up to Clemson, aka "God's Country"-according to Scott, and I got to thinking about the past 9 months. I had always heard that the first year of marriage is often the hardest. Yet, I didn't feel like it had been that hard. Of course we each had to get used to living with another person who does things differently than you have always done things. But, to me, it hasn't felt like a struggle.

I decided to ask Scott what he thought. (Time out...one thing you must know about me is I want honesty at all costs. I will ask very pointed questions and expect an honest answer. My skin is very tough. Sometimes the truth may hurt, but I would rather hurt and deal with things than any other alternative.) I asked him if he, like most people say, think this past year has been a challenge. I was quite surprised that he said yes. As he explained what he meant, he shared how it hasn't been adjusting to living with me, or petty things that escalate into big things, rather it has been something I can't help. My health. Not having a healthy wife since before marriage, has been a challenge. The internal struggles, the hopes, the dreams, the plans, and carefree living have been put on the back burner. This, he admitted, has made this year a struggle.

I am pretty sure he will be doing a guest blog soon about His side of Endo. Will give more details when I find out.

As I thought about what he said, I also thought about how my struggles in our first 9 months of marriage have been a struggle with the reflection of me I see. Marriage is about sanctification. Marriage is a mirror. I heard both of those phrases a lot before we married but didn't understand what they meant until we started life together. Let me explain...

You see, I have always thought there are certain things about me that just are. That's just who I am. That is how God created me. Here are a few that I held tightly to:

• I'm a night owl and I don't do mornings
• I cannot even handle mouth noises (smacking, chewing sounds, etc)
• When I sleep, there cannot be any light in the room at all
• Waking me up before 7 am is rude and uncalled for
• In an effort to be green, one should always turn lights off in rooms where they are not occupied

Okay. These are just a few. However, I held on to these tightly. I found myself getting angry when one of these things happened. Especially mouth noises and being a grump in the mornings. I found myself actually harboring resentment that my husband, and stepchildren, didn't care enough about me to accept me for how I was instead of trying to make me change. Sound silly? Sound selfish? You would be right!

God had to break me, and he did so very quickly, of these absolutes I had created for myself. I realized that I can set the tone in my home by my actions. I can choose to hold on to what I think and feel and, in the process, create tension and negativity in our home. OR I can choose to die to my flesh/sin and try to be the best example for Him in my home that I can be.

We all struggle with some type of sin, and no sin struggle is worse than another. All God asks of us is that we keep struggling--keep fighting against our sinful nature in order to be more like Him. God doesn't want me to say, "Oh well...I'm prideful. I was born this way, and I'm going to stay this way." We will all struggle, but we're not supposed to give up and say the fight is over. God loves all of us, whatever our struggles. He knows life is hard for us, so He promises to be with us. God gives us strength beyond what we are capable of. He died on the cross to set us free from the sins that chain us. We won't have to battle forever--because He's already won the victory!

Praying for you today! I hope, like me, you can take a look at yourself and see if there is anything you might need to let go of. Believe me, I do this daily. I will tell you, with His help, I now hear mouth noises as noises of love. :) I also don't freak out over lights being left on or about a little light at night. I am able to get up around 6ish daily and help get my husband and stepkiddos off to a good start in the mornings. I am still working on my attitude when my dearest husband wakes up on the weekends at 5am and wants to talk. :) I haven't mastered my attitude in that one yet. I'm not proud of my responses or lack thereof. But I know God is going to help me. Just giving it to Him daily and relying on Him. Remembering "that's just who I am" is a lie from the enemy! Wage war against that sin...I know I am.
Love you all!